Well, I'm back in America. I thought I would be heart-breakingly devastated to be here but instead I'm just relieved I don't have to get on another airplane for at least a month or so. I've been on 11 airplanes this week. America is so huge and filled with creature comforts...dryers, working internet, comfortable beds, fast elevators. Everything here is so big.

But it doesn't matter. I'd rather be in a beautiful, old, non-functioning city. Now that I'm gone Gentji has decided he really misses me and wants to immigrate over here. I'm a bitch because I knew this would happen and he didn't.

I hate that I'm too old to believe in our relationship. I hate that I'm too old to spend another semester abroad. I hate that I can't get the courage to put this thing out of it's misery. I'm mad at myself for letting him fall into this whole thing when I knew better the whole time. If any one actually reads my entries I really need some advice which is:

Should I explain to him our inevitable fate and stop talking to him? Or just talk to him until we eventually fade out of each other's lives? I don't know what would be kinder.

I'm already doing the exact wrong thing which is agreeing that I want him to come over here and pretending that it might work. It's so utterly fatal, and I just don't really care to delusion myself by trying. Not because I don't love him but because I can't acknowledge the immense pain of his absence or deal with yet another unbearable good-bye.

Blech, I know I won't date or find another guy like him for a long, long time if ever. But I don't care anyway, I am used to being by myself and have a lot of growing up to do.

And so I just want to find some sort of life and I don't have to miss or leave behind for once.

I just got back from graduation in Boston which was fine. I guess I reached some sort of closure with Boston, which is mostly the awareness that I absolutely cannot stand it and never will be able to. I'm annoyed because I was so blissed out the whole four months I was in Europe. I literally stepped foot on Boston soil and could feel my body tense with stress, frustration and hatred. I don't know what it is. I clash with the culture, the guys there make me sick...as soon as I get there I get bitchier and bitchier until 24 hours in I don't even recognize myself anymore.

The hardest part is I found about 4 of the most incredible friends I've ever had in Boston. I wish I could just take them with me to another coast so they could see that anywhere else I'm actually relatively tolerant and laid back. I also really don't want to leave them just like I don't want to leave Gentji. But I have to keep moving forward I suppose. Just get older and older and more used to this whole good-bye, everything changes thing.

I would rather die than go back to America. But I have to go back and face my blank future and grow up. But really...really. Americans seem so spoiled and strange to me now. No offense to everybody reading this. And myself.

On a happier note, this weekend I went to Siena and Cinque Terra with Gentjian. We spent a long time in the car rocking out to 50 Cent and Celine Dion. Siena was gorgeous and romantic. I almost left my wallet (including my passport, 200 euro, debit\ insurance card and my life) at an Autogrill on the way to Cinque Terra. After a life-threatening mountain drive we got to the Vernazza island which is precious and gorgeous. It was also overflowing with tourists, all whom has the "Rick Steve's Guide to Italy". Never buy anything with Rick Steve's name on it. Every annoying tourist in the world uses his shit. Including myself.

Every hotel in the Island was completely booked, so Gentji and I wound up sleeping in the car in the Cinque Terra wilderness. It was actually really fun and romantic, even though I've wound up with a cold. Especially because I got to spend my hotel money on dinner and wine.

The next day we drove back to Florence in a tired delirium that I haven't quite slept my way out of. But, I definitely had one of the most adventurous\romantic weekends of my life. Right now I'm trying to decide if I should focus on Rome or go back to Florence tomorrow to try and enjoy the end of my relationship.

I am trying so hard to keep my head above water. There is life after Italy, I knew this would come to an end, I can't stay here forever. I don't want to...the economy is crashing and I don't fluently speak Italian. Going back to America won't be so bad. This is not my future. Fuuuuuuccccckkkk me.

Sigh....time keeps marching on towards the end of this damn semester to my question mark of a future. Go get a marketing job and start growing up in California? Or postpone my adolescence a little longer and live with my boyfriend in Florence, trying to learn enough Italian to (blech) waitress?....................Non lo so. Neither are bad options. I dont know if I can go back to America, but there might not be a choice. I miss burritos.

I just got back from Naples, Pompeii and Capri. it was an amazing and exhausting weekend. While Venice was an insane party, this trip was more enlightening on the condition of humanity.

The pizza in Naples...... The city has a lot of character in that it is gorgeous but dirty and over-run by mafia and pick-pockets. But in Italy, the dirtier the city, the better the food. I had this pizza with fluffy, chewy dough that was as crazy and Naples itself. Half melted balls of mozzerella miscellaneous placed upon random smatterings of orgasmic tomato sauce. I've never really liked pizza, but this....is what pizza should be. We also found this little Italian place next to the hotel...every morsel of food was fresh and immaculate. The seafood, the pasta. Oh God.

By the way, Happy International Women's Day!!!! Italy celebrates this day by giving every female a yellow flower and allowing women free entrance into museums, etc. I love living in a culture that loves women. A day like that would never exist in America.

My hotel-mates and I bought some champagne and chocolate cake on Saturday night and sat around in the hotel room talking about...girl stuff. It was very psychologically cleansing.

The next day we saw the breath-taking views of this little mountain Island called Capri.

Rome puts a harsh contrast between Christian-influenced cultures and previous manifestations of religion, like Pompeii. Pompeii seemed like an incredible culture. The art is vibrant and life affirming. The people hung ornate mosaics of skeletons in their dining room reminding them to eat well and enjoy the moment. Death was a reminder to live as opposed to a punishment. The penis is used as an ornate decorative symbol celebrating fertility and good luck throughout the architectural structures, bisexuality is completely accepted and advanced gynecology tools were created. In contrast, I have seen hundreds upon hundreds of Roman Catholic paintings, which all revolve around the death or birth of Christ, sin, repression. It's all...depressing and kind of boring. Is that what religion should be about?

Christianity has its purpose in the world, and is valuable to the psychology of many of it's followers. But I'm disheartened that it's infiltrated Western culture, to the point that so many people feel like acts of living and pleasure, such as sex, need to be punished. Examining history made me realize what a social construct this is.

I just got back from an amazing two days in Florence. I took the Eurostar down and got a hotel and I love traveling by myself,

Every time people ask me what I do with Gentjian I'm kind of at a loss. I guess this time it involved a lot of talking and learning Italian and making out. I guess we're in-love, whatever that means. I suppose it mostly means we've crossed over into understanding eachother fluently. I can suddenly understand his Italian without thorough translation, and somehow he can decipher my English ranting.

I love Florence, it's so gorgeous, even when the weather is crappy. I'm in way over my head in this whole Italian romance thing. But I might as well enjoy the ride because there is no going back.

Either way, Wherever I was this time a year ago could never compare to this, and that feels amazing.

Was really chaotic. I don't feel like writing about it because I came back with a cold. But I will say it was a beautifully spectacular city, everything everyone said it would be. But being there for a couple of days only made me want to stay longer. It left me thinking I need to stay in Rome and soak in the culture, bringing me to an article I read about travel today that I would like to quote:

"Getting to know a city, to witness the area from the inside is far more rewarding and memorable than skimming the top of a continent. A similar, though inappropriate, metaphor is that it is better to be inside a woman than brush up against her. But I'm sure you'd be happy with both of those situations, you sick bastard,"

Unfortunately I will be in Ireland, Spain, Naples, Pompeii and Florence this month, not taking my own advice.

How did I manage to get into another damn long distance relationship? I'm super excited to see Alessandro tomorrow! Hopefully he won't mind me hacking up phlem in his face the whole time I'm there. How does one spell "phlem"?

I'm sitting in an Italian Cinema class right now.

Boooorrrinnngg. Yet riveting in comparison to the average Emerson marketing class, so I'm happy.

Complaining in Rome seems strange....but since that's the main function of an LJ....I'm living in a household with 8 girls right now. Eight. The estrogen is surging and I'm learning that girls can bitch for hours, about anything. Especially when dirty dishes are involved. They just bitch and bitch and bitch. At least guys either clean or don't clean, without a word being said.

Tomorrow I leave for Paris, so I can get a break from the endless PMSing bitch-fest of dirty dishes. And then I'm escaping to Florence to visit Alessandro because I miss him, he doesn't bitch about dishes and I need to get laid.

has been a blur of carbs, gelato, historical monuments and piecing together nonsensical Italian sentences. I forgot how much I love traveling and being independent not only of people, but life's comforts and routine. I'm always present and in the moment, and every day is filled with new activities that are all equally satisfying: buying food at an outdoor market, trying to understand an Italian movie, making out on random historical monuments and bridges.

On Valentine's day I went out to dinner with some Italians and afterwards went to this club\ music bar and heard some incredible electronic jazz that was like nothing I've seen in America. In Italy you actually have to be good at music to get on a stage. I also found out I'm almost fluent in Italian when I'm shit-faced or angry.

Being in a relationship with someone who speaks little English is an intense experience. We've worked out an elaborate communication system of gestures and common words such as "Hot, cold, good, bad". It's strange though, connecting with someone like that forces the realization that communication has little to do with language. Somehow we've figured out that we have a similar sense of humor and value systems. Or maybe he's just easier to project onto than other guys.

Anyway, that's Rome so far. I miss Mexican food like meat misses salt.

is AMAZING. Just the last few days have been completely worth all the massive shit I had to go through to get here. I hope Europeans don't take it for granted that their lives play out against the most gorgeous historical backdrops.

Last night I went to see the opera Madame Butterfly and today I went to a chocolate festival.

I don't think I'll ever leave Europe. I am supposed to be here. Everyone can pronounce my name. The women don't wear bras. I fit in so well. I just got three free glasses of wine just for being a girl.

And it turns out I have a knack for faking foreign languages.

I AM SO HAPPY!

Love and miss you guys!

I'm finally in Florence, Italy which is basically a living, breathing postcard. I don't know when I'll be able to post updates because I have little Internet access but I love it that way. Facebook completely bursts my Europe reality bubble, so I'll be avoiding this place all I can.

London was amazing as always but encumbered with so many travel issues that I almost wish we didn't go. Lost luggage, delayed flights, some girl got a "love-tap" from an Italian car and had a complete break-down. But aside from that I saw some of my favorite Van Gogh and Boticelli paintings at the National Gallery and went to "Queen- The Musical which was brilliant.

Florence is much more relaxing. There are churches and statues and historical monuments everywhere and the men are gorgeous, but apparently need to be avoided. I'm trying to not frenetically plan trips to Amsterdam and Paris but I'm so anxious to see Europe, I can't seem to help it. We're going to Venice next weekend during Carnival time.

I've met some really nice people from all over the country, which is refreshing.

I want to write more but It's really distracting being on campus....

So...I'm leaving for Italy in several days. Actually, I'm going to Boston on Monday and then I will be flying to London for three days and then finally arriving in Italy sometime next week.

That means I'd like to see any of you who are available, or at least talk to you on the phone because I will not be accessible through any means other than the Internet for four months. I'll be using LJ to keep you posted on life, and I'll have Skype to chat with. Keep me updated on American life, man.

I don't remember any of my Italian or know anyone living in Western Europe. Making all new friends, yet again.

Merry Christmas!!!! (Although it was yesterday)